It feels like my world is falling apart,
So where do I start?
I never got to say good-bye,
And I hardly even cried.
What is wrong with me?
Is there something I can’t see?
It’s like I’m lost and blind,
God please send me a sign.
You’re in my life,
But sometimes I can’t find you amongst my strife.
When I fall flat on my face,
You pick me up and put me back in place.
Never once did you turn your back.
Sometimes I wonder how you could cut me so much slack.
I was angry because you never let me say good-bye.
I’d cry out to you and receive no sign.
It felt like I was Job going through some of the same trials.
It felt like I was walking mile upon mile.
I tried to keep my eyes on you.
Now I’m scared and I don’t know what to do.
I’m riding the waves,
But I feel like a chained slave.
You walk with me everyday,
So why can’t I believe everything will be okay?
I’ve trusted you with my life,
I put down the knife.
I cry out to you when something’s wrong.
I can’t handle life I’m not that strong.
God I’m scared,
And I know you’re there.
I need you to be with me,
And show me who you want me to be.
It feels like I’m running in the same spot.
Nothing changes, and I’m caught.
Saying good-bye would it change how I feel?
God it’s so hard to deal.
I’ve lost people I love,
And I don’t know if they’re in the heavens above.
Will I ever see them again?
What about my friend?
He was so young he didn’t get to really live.
God he was only a kid.
I was angry when he didn’t make it through,
I didn’t know what to do.
Praying for him to late,
What was his fate?
He is your child God, and my friend.
How can you let his life end?
To my grandpa I never said goodbye,
However I did cry.
The tears do nothing for me,
They just mess up my ability to see.
There’s so much stress,
God I just want to rest.
Give me a little break,
My hands are starting to shake.
God I need you,
I don’t know what to do.
Please help me,
It’s getting hard to believe.
2 comments:
You seem like you're trapped between a faith you truly believe and a life that, in many ways, puts walls between your soul and its joy in that faith. Always remember that the reality of our faith is in a God who is there, even when we seem trapped in a nightmare, the only (barely) sane person in the asylum. Our histories are all filled with losses and mistakes and uncertainties and betrayals and, it just goes on and on. Where is God in all of this?
In part, a hint is found in the fact that we are frustrated with the way things are. If it wasn't suppose to be different, why would we even bother being frustrated, angry, hurt? Our pain, our hunger are signs that Things Should Be Different. We know that, deep in our souls, that God made us for more than we'll ever know in this world. My own loneliness reminds me that I was created for eternal fellowship.
But even in this fallen world, there are moments of grace. It is not just our suffering of the fallenness that points to a better world, but glimmers of heaven shining through the kindness of strangers, the love of friends, the beauty of the sky, the dance of leaves in the wind. You are not alone, because the God who made you for more than What Now Is will not forsake you. Having gone to the effort of calling you by name, he will court you and chase you and hold you, he will love you, into eternity.
Don't let the signs that this life is not our home be mistaken for the fixtures of a home that is hell. I'll keep praying for you!
Don't let fear of loss rule your life my friend. You have the opportunity to meet and know so many people and I know there is a great deal of uncertainty to all of that... always the fear that someone else will die, that someone else will fail you... But to focus on those things is to close doors, to disallow God to use you to comfort others, to keep from learning and growing....
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